Stacey: Jack looks upset; he looks like grumpy cat.
Sean: did you just successfully make a topical reference?
Stacey: I sure did!
Sean: did you do it on accident or did you meme to?
*the song take me home tonight is playing on the radio
Sean: hey, guess who sings this song.
Stacey: “…uh white stain?”……no…wait, I meant “white stang”
Sean: are you trying to say “white snake” ?
Stacey: yeah that’s it!
Sean: No, it was Eddie Monie…but “white stain” would be an awesome name for a punk rock band
Sean: I’ve only lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks, I don’t think I’m going to make the 205 weight class for the competition in 6 weeks.
Stacey: Stop lifting and just run. No more lifting…only running! Then you’ll make weight!
Sean: That seems like a really poor way to prepare for a power-lifting competition.
Stacey: hey, how would you Google luggage repair?
Sean: is that a trick question?
Stacey: I mean, how do you Google luggage repair in Fayetteville, NC?
Sean: try typing exactly that into the search bar.
Stacey: you’re an ass@$#$
Stacey Normand: if heat makes your back feel better, why don’t you put an ice pack on it.
Stacey: I mean a hot-ice pack
Sean: do you mean a heat pack?
Stacey: yeah… and shut up
*upon hearing the US won a gold medal in pigeon shooting.
Stacey: OMG! Those poor little pigeons! She killed 99 of them!
Sean: ….you know those “pigeons” are just clay discs right?!
Stacey: whew! I was about to say, that must have been a massacre!!
*after getting frustrated with the British accent*
Stacey: OMG It’s like we’re in another country!
Sean: You’re kidding of course…because, we are in fact in another country
Stacey: Oh…yea…well you know what I meant
Sean: Honestly sweetie…I don’t.
Stacey: Oh my God did you hear the way that guy was talking? I couldn’t understand anything he was saying! I just wanted to scream at him “pronouciate your words!”
Sean: wait…what did you want him to do with his words?
Stacey: shut up Sean you know what I meant
Stacey: here are your socks for tomorrow … They aren’t EXACTLY clean.
Sean: so what you mean is… Here are some dirty socks to wear.
*with longing in her voice*
Stacey: I wish I was a “hot mess”
Sean: you know that isn’t a good thing…right?
Stacey: Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! OH MY GOSH!! They just fumbled it twice in a row!
Sean: that was a replay sweetie.
Stacey: what do you want to eat when you first get back?
Sean: How about a big salad, I haven’t had any good vegetables for a while…
Stacey: (in the most tortured voice ever) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Stacey: Pick something else
Sean: Uhh, how about that pork dish you make
Stacey (again…as if being tortured) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Sean: Ok, how about you just pick
Stacey: I was thinking…sushi!
Sean: Ok I finished my test
Stacey: What did you get?
Stacey: Is that passing?
Sean: how long have you been out of school?
Sean: I heard about the sale and I know how you like a deal so I thought you would be interested, but if you’re not, then you’re not.
Stacey: hold up, I didn’t say I wasn’t interested, I’m saying I wanna know more. I WANT QUESTIONS!
Sean: Do you mean “I’ve got questions and I want answers”?
*somewhere over the Atlantic ocean
Stacey: The pilot just said we were flying at “40, 000” miles.
Sean: I am pretty sure that isn’t right. Unless we are honeymooning on the moon.
*Stacey and Sean both laugh
Stacey : I meant to say “60,000” miles
Sean: you did? Then why were you laughing?
Sean: I came across the word “homunculus” in a book and I’ve been trying to fit it into casual conversation.
Stacey Normand: what does “hunk-a-licious” mean?
Stacey: Jack still has that cough, remind me to turn on the dehydrator in his room
Sean: I think you mean humidifier…unless we plan on turning him into Jack jerky.
Stacey: Don’t forget it’s Fall Back this weekend, so we get an extra hour! 🙂
*changes all the clocks*
Sean: Are you sure? Because the internet says that it doesn’t happen until November.
Stacey: I’m sure!
*does some googling*
Stacey: uhm….uhhhh, I can’t find anything about the time changing…crap maybe it was just a dream that it was daylight savings…CRAP I’m late for my appointment I gotta go!
Stacey : (analyzing the menu) ‘Oooh I will have the cheesecake! I have been here several times and never had your cheesecake.
Waiter: (looking very confused) uhm… We don’t have cheesecake.
Stacey : (pointing at the menu) this one right here.
Waiter: that is a 2 1/2 year aged parmesan… It’s literally a block of cheese.
Stacey: hmmm I don’t have much food for your lunch tomorrow.
Sean: that’s ok
Stacey: oh you can have this sweet potato *pulls potato from Jack’s leftovers bowl*
Sean: isn’t that for baby Jack?
Stacey: *horrified* God no! That’s too old and spoiled for baby Jack!
Stacey: I love driving on interstate 95. I just go to sleep and I wake up in Savannah!
Sean: that sounds dangerous…maybe I should drive.
Stacey: wow this onesie is huge! What size is this…24 months! Do kids still wear onesies at 1 year old?!?!
Sean: ….because there are 24 months in a year?
Stacey: Yeah, uh huh…what? Why are you still looking at me?
Stacey: what’s the score
Sean: 35-24 going into the half
Stacey: ok… That means there’s…. 28 mins left in the game. See! I CAN teach baby jack math.
Sean: 28 mins huh… Not your strongest evidence of why you would be a good teacher.
Stacey: what? Why?! It is 28… Wait a min….
Sean: pretty sure 15 plus 15 is 30.
Stacey: oh yeah! I knew that…. I thought a quarter was 14 mins.
Sean: fun fact, it’s called a quarter because it’s a quarter of an hour.
Sean: oh no! I just got a news alert “world ends exactly as foretold”
Stacey: no way! Let me read it! *spends several mins looking at my phone* are you messing with me?
Sean: course I’m messing with you… we are still here aren’t we.
Stacey: just thought it hadn’t got to us yet!
Stacey Normand: “OMG did you just hear what I was thinking?”
Stacey: oh my God I forgot to tell you that our new pediatrician totally looks like a “marijuana addict”
Sean: I think the kids are calling them “pot heads”.
Stacey: I hope Jay grows up with a big brain like you so he can remember lots of stuff.
Sean: like names? Speaking of which our son’s name is Jack, not Jay.
Stacey: So where do you go to the bathroom over there (Afghanistan)? What do you do…poop in the shower?
Sean: why would you think I poop in the shower??!!
Stacey: Well I don’t know how you do it over there!!!!
Stacey: are there a lot of gay guys in the Army?
Sean: you’re thinking about the Navy
*At a stoplight across from a ’24 hour fitness’
Stacey: OMG Sean! Look at that lady working out by the window! She’s not even using that machine correctly!
Sean: That’s because she works there, and because that’s not an exercise machine, it’s a squeegee and paper towels, because she’s cleaning the windows.
Stacey: Uggh…I’ve got to schedule my annual eye exam
Sean: wow. That fart sounded… wet
Stacey: it’s because of my “Preparation H”
Sean: well there goes my erection.
Staceyism- Stacey Normand DMD/ENT
Stacey: I need to go to the dentist, the stain on my molar is getting worse.
Sean: it is?
Stacey: Yeah. I noticed it yesterday when I was looking at them.
Sean: looking at your molars? Hmm, can’t say I do that.
Stacey: well…I was really looking at the back of my throat and I just noticed my molars.
Sean: uhh… Same answer. Were you giving yourself a physical?
Stacey: shut up
Sean: I’m just saying, you sound very thorough.
Stacey: when we land in Hawaii I have GOT to shave my leg.
Sean: you mean “legs”
Stacey: no. leg, singular. I shaved one last night so I just have the other one to do.
Sean: so you’re walking around with one shaved leg and one furry leg. What kind of maintenance operation are you running?
Stacey: I was in a hurry!
Sean: you know guys couldn’t get away with that stuff. I can’t walk around with half my face clean-shaven and a 5 o’clock shadow on the other half and when people question me about it I’m like “I didn’t have time to shave both”.
Stacey: shut up Sean!
Stacey: I know what I what to drink on our cheat day.
Sean: oh yeah…what?
Stacey: Jell-O shots like we had on New Year’s Eve
Stacey: *completely serious* Except I want them in a bowl. Not a shot glass.
Sean: ….so instead of a “Jell-O” shot you want a “Bowl-O” shot
Stacey: Exactly! I better go ahead and make them to give them time to freeze
Stacey: How to I turn on the TV for the local channels?
Sean: You see how on the screen it says ‘press any key to continue’
Stacey: Ok, got it *seconds later* The whole thing just turned off!?
Sean: Did you press the power button?
Stacey: …maybe. Shut up Sean!
Stacey: can you take the back off of my phone.
Sean: sure. *removes back* what’s that crud on your internal speaker?
Stacey: oh, that’s soup.
Sean: ok… Follow up question, why is there soup INSIDE your phone.
Stacey: oh, I dropped it in my lunch last week
Sean: that’s why you’re getting your phone replaced for the third time.
Stacey I want to visit Brazil next, but I don’t speak Spanish
Sean: that’s okay, they don’t either
Stacey: oh that’s right they speak… Uh… Um. I forget what language do they speak?
Stacey *confidently: oh right! Duh! Brazilianguese!
Sean: just kidding it’s portuguese
Stacey: well I knew it was something “ese”
—–later at the hotel room—–
Stacey: I’m going to call the front desk and ask them if they have a hotel
Sean: expect them to act confused
Stacey *marveling at the hotel room phone
Can you believe these don’t have a cord?!
Sean: seriously… What is wrong with you today?
*Jack is in tub, on his belly, in an inch of water*
Stacey: Jack! Be careful, you’re going to slip.
Sean- it’s fine, he’s on his belly
Stacey- but he could slip!
Sean- where would he go? He’s already down?
Stacey- well… He might fall!
Sean- I feel like we’re not communicating very well.
*Several hours into election coverage*
Stacey – OMG! 270. 270! 270!!! That’s all these people talk about! What’s the big deal, is not like if you get to 270 you win.
Sean – that’s exactly what happens
Stacey – oh…. Really?!
Sean – yep, the first person to 270 wins
Stacey – then why is California such a big deal? Those votes don’t come out until late on East coast time. Seems like that would make them less valuable.
Sean – *pauses before carefully proceeding* I can see I’m not explaining it well. There are a finite amount of electoral votes out there. If one person gets to 270 there aren’t enough vote left over for the other person to also get to 270.
Stacey – oooooohhhh. Don’t look at me like that I’m still learning!
*Sunday Watching 60mins on CBS*
Stacey: uggggh! How long IS this show?!
Sean: ….. seriously?
Stacey: oh good! The moon is coming out again tonight!
Sean: times are tough when this is good news
Stacey – uggh you have got to eat the rest of this meatloaf today before it goes bad.
Sean – there is an entire meatloaf in here.
Stacey – yeah… You should probably have it for lunch AND dinner.
*Stacey walks in on the FSU Spring Game just before halftime. Garnet: 0 Gold: 7
Stacey – whoa, FSU isn’t doing so good
Sean – ….
Stacey – well they never put in their good guys in this game anyway
Sean – ….
Stacey – Who is that they’re playing? Gold? Just some cupcake school huh?
Sean – …
Stacey – oh…they’re both FSU aren’t they
Sean – Yep
Stacey – This is going on Facebook isn’t it
Stacey: listen to what this girl said on my Instant Pot Facebook group…
Sean: wait, why are you in an instant pot group?
Stacey: you know, for ideas and recipes and stuff.
Sean: … But we don’t have an instant pot
Stacey: well we might one day!
Stacey Normand: hey what’s in that drink you just made?
Sean: Bailey’s, vodka and milk
Stacey: is that milk still good?…I thought it was colonel’ed
Sean: you thought it was colonel’ed?…like a major milk that was promoted?
*it’s 11:20 and I have been trying to go to bed for half an hour.
(Gators are driving until they throw an interception instead of a touchdown)
Stacey: ok, let’s go to bed before anything else good happens and it makes me wanna watch
Sean: that’s what you are afraid of….something GOOD happening?
Stacey: Have you weighed yourself lately?
Sean: No, I’m a little afraid to, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Stacey: Well I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been!
Sean: Yeah but you’re full of baby…I’m full of biscuits.
Sean: I gotta lose some weight, even my stretchy pants are getting tight
Stacey Normand: do you think it’s muscle?
Sean: in my waist!? Yeah that must be it…my abs are getting so huge they can’t fit in my pants.
Stacey: can I have one of your onion rings?
* hands her an onion ring from his plate.
Stacey: No, not that one; I don’t want a whole one
Sean: so what…you want the half-eaten one in my hand right now?
*Getting ready for bed*
Stacey Normand: hey baby, could you put my spectacles on the table for me?
Sean: oh, were saying spectacles now huh…because we’re in the 1800s?
Stacey: it makes them sound smart!
*Jack is looking at me with a perplexed look…Stacey is convinced it’s because I shaved my goatee off.
Stacey to Jack: who is that man? Is he stranger danger!?
Sean: I’m sure he still recognizes me. I shaved…I wasn’t burned in a fire.
Stacey: it’s ok I’m sure he can still smell that it’s you
Sean: you’re not helping
Stacey: have you seen those Facebook things going around where people give you a number and you have to post interesting things about yourself?
Stacey: I haven’t done it yet but if I did I would put that I like cottage cheese with applesauce…in the same bowl…with the same spoon!
Sean: baby you have GOT to get out more.
*Stacey is cooking breakfast and sets off the fire alarm
(Whispering) Stacey Normand: sean, can you open a window?
Sean: what? I can’t hear you.
(Whispering louder) Stacey: open a window!
Sean: ok….why are you whispering while the fire alarm is going off?
Stacey: I didn’t want to wake Jack up!
Stacey Normand: I really like your boss’s shoes
Sean: uh what?
Stacey: you’ve never noticed his shoes before?! I thought you were a sniper!
Sean: I was, I just wasn’t a “fashion sniper”.
Stacey: yeah but I thought they teach you to notice everything
Sean: never needed to shoot a man in the feet.
Stacey Normand: I’m going to have to watch you with one eye open
Sean: what? Oh, you mean “sleep with one eye open”
Stacey: how am I supposed to sleep like that?!
Stacey Normand: *sounding depressed* ughhhuh.. I can’t believe I gotta run a 5k tomorrow…. *happier* well you never know, it might go ok… *even happier* I mean it could go pretty good… Maybe I’ll start doing more 5k runs and some local competitions and each time getting faster and faster and taking the training more seriously, and shaving a little time off every run. *elated* This could be great!
Stacey: ughhhh maybe I’ll just walk it… Hey do you think I could run a marathon?
Stacey: uggh, I gotta go to the eye doctor soon.
Sean: oh yeah?
Stacey: yeah, things are getting BLURRY.
Sean: maybe I should drive from now on
Stacey: don’t be silly! I can drive… I just can’t read the signs
Sean: those are important sweetie…
Stacey: not of you know where you are going!
Sean : …
Stacey Normand: I am NOT looking forward to that test I have to take.
Sean: oh yeah?
Stacey: yeah they do a “stimulation” test
Sean: never heard of it
Stacey: it’s the same type of test they give doctors
Sean: do you mean “simulation”?
Stacey: OMG! I knew that didn’t sound right! Haha! So anyway it has 3 sections of 10 graded questions and 2 non graded questions that they use to help make future tests… So at least it’s only 30 questions total.
Stacey: well yeah but I’m not going to do the non-graded ones so I’m not counting them
Sean: baby they don’t tell you which ones aren’t graded because then no one would do them
Stacey: oh crap!
Stacey Normand: I’m going to run at the park tomorrow, which gun should I bring with me?
Sean: whichever one your most comfortable with.
Stacey: I guess I’ll bring “the judge”. I like that one because I don’t have to aim with it.
Sean: you should DEFINITELY still aim.
Stacey Normand: there this website called “fiverr” where people will work for you for $5
Sean: it would have to be really easy for me to do something for $5…I mean you would have to crank out at least 6 an hour just to make it worth your while.
Stacey: do you have to make… Uh… $100 an hour.
Sean: ….$100…. really?!
Stacey: shut up
Sean: I know… math is hard
Stacey: you KNOW I hate word problems!
Stacey Normand- I love our new babysitter she seems really cool…plus she’s a wino like me.
Sean- she’s a what?!
Stacey- a wino, you know…she likes to drink wine.
Sean- wino is pejorative, you shouldn’t say that… say, wine enthusiast.
Stacey- my friends used to call me wino all the time and wine enthusiast sounds snobby. And what’s a pejorative
Sean- one thing at a time. Wino is some drunk hobo brown-bagging B&J.
Stacey- nuh uh
* Stacey Normand has had her new Galaxy for 3 weeks.
Stacey: my camera phone sucks! It doesn’t take as good of pictures as yours
Sean: it’s the same phone baby. The camera is the same
Stacey: No! My pictures are always blurry and yours looks great!
Sean: let me see it
*Stacey hands phone over, Sean inspects it, Sean removes the protective plastic covering that comes on new phones to protect the lens
Sean: should be good now
While watching America’s got talent*
Stacey: How do you think they shot that guy out of a cannon?
Sean: I’m not sure, maybe like a platform with compressed air.
Stacey: you mean they don’t use dynamite??!!
Sean: Not unless he is Wile E. Coyote